Today is the Day I Mourn My Thigh Gap...

"The thigh gap is a diamond-shaped gap between the thighs that is visible when a woman is standing upright with her feet together. The thigh gap obsession is an alarming new trend focused on achieving and maintaining this space between the thighs, and it’s particularly prevalent among females who are in their teens through their early 20s." -  Winnie Ma from Her Campus

. . . 

Once upon a time lived an adolescent girl, aged 14, whom had just entered the world of fitspo, thinspiration, clean eating, and striving towards "the way skinny feels". This 14 year old girl was bombarded with endless 'motivational' weight loss pictures and workout schemes, reminding her that nothing is better than a thigh gap, her level of self-worth is reliant on how she looks, and worst of all, how she is not worthy of any happiness until she loses at least 5 kilos in the next 2 weeks. This young woman then decided this ideology that thinness, her appearance and most importantly her thigh gap, was going to be her life-long goal...because that's the only way people would liker her right, if she was 'beautiful'? 

(Spoiler alert!!!)

The 14 year old girl is me five years ago, at the start of what I didn't know to be the most dangerous journey I have ever experienced. For five years I have tried to embrace recovery, to embrace my real body, to let my body weigh exactly what it needs to weigh to feel all of the joys of life, but unfortunately there has always been one thing holding me back; my thigh gap. Today is the day that I mourn the absence of my once highly held trophy, my symbol of success, my thigh gap. 

My thigh gap has been the symbol of "beautiful" and therefore "success" for so long that I have dreaded letting it go. I have felt that the moment I let my thighs touch I would be the epitome of lazy, ugly, stupid, unsuccessful and unworthy of love. Because of this warped ideology that my worthiness of being human, my worthiness to experience love, support and happiness is reliant on a thigh gap, I have been my own worst enemy. I have been constantly degrading my existence, been hurting myself emotionally and physically for five years just because I believed being attractive meant everything. I have been the silliest girl for the duration of this period, and today is the day I let this silly girl go. 

As much as I regret using the word 'mourn' for this occasion (because it means I let such a self-indulgent, toxic and extremely silly aesthetic aspect of my body rule my way of life) I believe it is the only way I can clearly describe how I feel. The imagery of a thigh gap has been hovering over my thoughts, my visions and my psyche every second of everyday, controlling everything I did, everything I ate, and telling me everyday that without it my life would be a mess. A thigh gap to me has been the one thing still holding me down to my old life, where maybe, just maybe, if I tried hard enough I could lose some more weight and then people would like me more. I would have more friends, I could probably get myself into a loving relationship, I would be a high achiever at University, be the leading dancer in all of my routines and most importantly, get more followers on Instagram. I mourn this gap between my thighs because it isn't, and hasn't been just a gap, it has been every aspect, every decision, every moment of my existence for the last 5 years. This gap was once a part of me and now I am letting it die. 

Today I mourn my thigh gap, I let it slip away, I place it in the folder of 'once upon a time' because that's exactly what it is; a symbol of my tiresome, negative past practices. In all honesty I mourn my thigh gap quite often, wondering how useless I am now that my thighs touch. But just as often, even more actually, I remember how many more happy, joyous and wonderful moments I have without it. I know it seems quite silly that I have let something so small be a major issue, something that I have depended on for happiness and reassurance so often, but I can't change my past, I can only change my present and future. And in order to do that, I mourn my thigh gap, and welcome a new Maddy. One whom is nourished, eats carbohydrates, drinks wine, will choose to read and lay over working out when I feel like it, wear tight clothes even though society says she probably shouldn't because she isn't a size 4, but most importantly, she is a happy Maddy whom is finally attempting to let her body weigh exactly what it needs to weigh so that she has enough energy to smile, laugh, give and receive love. The real Madeline Stocks does not have a thigh gap, she never should have had one, and she will hopefully never have one again.

So in case you missed the little metaphorical lesson above here is a slight recap...

A thigh gap is not a symbol of happiness, it is not tied down to your morality or shows you how good of a person you are. A thigh gap does not mean you have control over your life. If anything, it means that you have hurt yourself, you have purposefully manipulated your body in such a way that it stops living in its natural form. A thigh gap is not a trophy, it is a cry for help and the next time you hear someone mention it in a romanticised form, remember that a thigh gap means nothing to your overall existence. Also remember a woman's biological make-up NATURALLY involves us carrying body fat around the hips, thighs and booty. In some cases attempting to achieve a thigh gap healthily is just like trying to change your eye colour without contact lenses, aka. it is just not possible. You need to start remembering all of the great aspects about you. That feeling happy, feeling love, feeling an abundance of gratefulness means that your body is getting nourished, therefore, you will most likely not have a gap between your thighs.  

Now I am not saying that this journey towards self-love is as easy as it sounds. It has taken me five very very very long years, many mistakes, quite a few relapses and an abundance of break-downs to come to the realisation that I really don't need a thigh gap to feel complete. What I am saying, is that I hope after reading this, you can come the conclusion a lot faster than I did, because a life, a world and a journey revolved around moulding parts of your body to fit a certain criteria is exhausting and a waste of your time. I am saying that your physique, the way your hips are shaped, the ways your thighs jiggle, how big or petite your boobs are, how muscular your chest is, how chubby your cheeks are, how many rolls you have on your tummy (I have 4 FIY) and most importantly how much space you do or don't have between your thighs, DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. You are more than your figure and you should be so grateful for your body because it is a beautiful vessel that lets our souls travel through life and experience all of the wonders of living. 

Today is the day I celebrate the loss of my thigh gap. I used to mourn its loss but now I embrace its absence. There is nothing but liberation flowing through my soul, nothing but love for my thighs in my heart and nothing but a big wide smile across my face because the loss of my thigh gap means I am one big step closer to being free. 

Lots of love, Sugar Maddy xoxo.